You have read about anxious and avoidant attachment. You can describe your patterns fluently. And the patterns keep running. That is because attachment styles are not personality traits. They are forms of self-deception. The anxious person is not clinging because they need too much. They are clinging because they have suppressed their discontent with the relationship and replaced it with intensified attachment behavior. The avoidant person is not distancing because they do not care. They are distancing because they have suppressed their desire and replaced it with defensive withdrawal. Both are hiding from their actual feelings, and the attachment style is the shape the hiding takes.

Insecure attachment is not a deficit to be corrected. It is the suppression of feelings you do not believe you are entitled to. Secure attachment is what remains when the suppression stops.

I do not teach you how to be more securely attached. I help you see what you are doing to yourself in the domain of close relationships, in real time, so the pattern can loosen. The feelings you have been suppressing, the anger underneath the clinging, the desire underneath the distance, are the path to the change you are looking for.

Related

Same PatternWhy you keep choosing the same person. GuiltThe guilt underneath the people-pleasing. My ApproachHow I work with patterns.
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